I'm procrastinating.
Which shouldn't be a surprise, by any means, because that is often what I find myself doing.
I procrastinated on selling advertisements for the yearbook,
so now all of the stores in town have either already purchased one
or "don't have it in the budget this year."
It's my own fault that I'm screwed.
At the moment, though, I'm putting off packing.
We (my dad, my stepmonster, and I) are leaving tomorrow for Virginia.
My grandfather's burial is on Friday. I know that seems strange, considering his funeral was in May, but he's getting buried in the Arlington National Cemetary and this was the earliest he could get buried.
I'm not exactly sure why, though. All I know is that most of the Vietnam veterans are dying around the same time (now, I suppose) and there's been a back-up on the elaborate funerals held at said cemetary.
Also, I'm procrastinating on actually thinking about the situation.
I thought I was fine now; I wasn't expecting to be upset anymore.
But, I talked to my mom on the phone yesterday and she reminded me about it and I just broke down.
Naturally, a grandfather's death is upsetting.
The thought of actually caring about him is so foreign to me, though.
And I know that sounds horrible, but I've only seen him a few times my entire life.
How can you care about someone you hardly even knew?
Apparently, I did (do) care about him, seeing the reaction I'm having to all of this.
This is just one thing I don't want to confront.
God knows, I'm not one for confrontation to begin with.

Anyway, it's 12:33. We're leaving in nearly nine hours.
I suppose I should pack and get some sleep while I can.

all my hits come from my misses
and it feels to no longer be write/right on target,
how life isn't sleeping all day and fighting all night
(myself vs. my imagination.)
and i'm more than the rambling,
erased phone messages to my exes,
and the burden to myself,
i was still the best secret you (n)ever had.
"play nice,"
but the only thing taking turns was my stomach.
no guts, all glory.
i'm this close to having what i couldn't kill for
(but i'll keep trying.)
the bodies are under the stairs
and the bruises from the fight are on my back.
there's blood on the shovel and the evidence is ashes.
putting up fi(r)st fights?
guilty as charged.
these excuses are starting to hold less water than your lungs.
i'm going to close my eyes and cross my fingers
and keep pretending that this good sick feeling in my stomach can be diagnosed as 'coincidence.'

"I feel the salty waves come in

I feel them crash against my skin

And I smile as I respire

Because I know they'll never win

There's a haze above my TV

That changes everything I see

And maybe if I continue watching

I'll lose the traits that worry me"

I got back from Philadelphia yesterday.
I'll post about it tomorrow when I have time.
I'm still super exhausted from the sleep deprevation I've aquired over the past week.
It was definitely worth it, though :)

But, I can't help but love this so much :)
(Born to run, hahah!)

they look so happy.
(i miss this.)

I will sleep happily tonight.

I love Brendon and Spencer more than words can express :)

here's a little food for thought, and for once i'm not starving,
not for aff(inf)ection.
you're deep inside of me like a disease,
like a welcome cancer with consent to eat everything in me.
start with my heart and slowly take over all you can.
the heat of the south made its way inside and it hasn't left.
we dove in south carolina waves together,
the kind that smash seashells into little pieces
and scatter them about the beach miles apart from the pieces that make them complete.
reminds me of your house being just a few blocks from mine
and the cold reminder streetlights made before you were stuck with me.
we wash up in a marina in yorktown tangled in a way that'd make the seaweed jealous.
having you on my team is making everyone green with envy.
i don't need the northstar as a guide to find where i'm going,
i've got my destination and all the light i need right next to me holding my hand,
but its shine against your pale skin and midnight blued lips really makes me feel alive.
just like you do.
shed blood never boils and i'd spill an ocean when it came to keeping you happy.
this is it,
this is us.

"It’s too easy to lose your mind when you lose your heart."

When I saw this, I laughed until I cried.

Best thing ever.
Whoever came up with pokebden is amazing.

Alright, so I just saw this a few minutes ago, but Jon posted this sometime earlier today, I'm pretty sure.

When I saw this, the first thing I thought was 'I'm glad he's finally growing his hair back out' and then, not even two seconds later, I got this feeling in the back of my throat. Normally, this feeling indicates that I'm about to squeal of delight. But even I surprised myself when I started crying.

Fucking crying.

I'm so worried about him, it's scary. If I think about it for too long, I physically get sick. Now don't get me wrong, I understand that it's utterly ridiculous to worry so much about someone I've never even met, but I'm just so scared for him. I don't even know how to explain it. All I know is that everything I used to think he was has completely changed.

I know that I have no say in what he chooses to do, but what he's doing is so dangerous. (That is, of course, if all of my suspicions are found to be true.) I just never thought that, after all the stuff that went down with his dad, he would choose to do something so reckless with his life.

I know this was pointless, but I just had to get that out.

Just, UGH, I don't think I could even begin to explain how much he means to me.
What he's doing is killing him and if he dies, I honestly have no idea what I'm going to do.

dreams aren't as sweet
without you here.
morphed and plagued with
images that sear
into my memory.

it makes no difference
how many or what pills i take.
the stains running down
my cheeks are still there when i wake
in the morning, sometimes evening,
mostly afternoons.

as hard as it might be
and though it pains me to say:
when you were here,
you kept my demons at bay.
now you're gone
and they're here to stay.


you'd think that moving 4,000 miles away would solve everything.
you'd be wrong.

God, and I just remembered that I have to get up early tomorrow.
I have to sell ads for my school's yearbook.
I haven't even sold one yet and I have to sell at least $800 worth by August seventeenth.
I'm such a procrastinator at heart.

Also, I love Death Cab For Cutie a lot.
I've been listening to Plans on repeat for almost a week now.
That's all.

It's one-eleven am and it's pouring and thundering like there's no tomorrow outside. For some reason, it's scaring the shit out of me. Storms never scare me, either. It's kind of freaking me out.

To keep my mind off that for the time being, I'll continue with what I planned on posting today.

My sister, Caroline, was in town this weekend. She's twenty-five and lives in Raleigh, which is four hours away, so I never really get to see her, much less spend time with her. She got in mid-day Friday and we spent all of Saturday together. It was so much fun. I had almost forgotten how fun it was spending time with her.

We went to downtown Asheville and mostly just walked around and checked out a bunch of stores. I only really had money for coffee, so I didn't do any shopping. Downtown was awesome. I never get the chance to go to Asheville, so I had never been around downtown that much. I didn't expect it to be so artsy. And seeing as I absolutely love stuff like that, it only made me love it that much more. It was kind of rainy, but the rare abundance of attractive males we talked to definitely made up for that.

After we left downtown, we went to the movie theater near the mall (Beaucatcher, I think? I'm not entirely sure and frankly, I don't think it matters.) to see The Hangover.

I had already been wanting to go see it, but the movies in Waynesville wasn't playing it. So naturally, I was excited. Caroline had already seen it the previous weekend, but she kept talking about how much she liked it so that made me even more excited.

And oh, my god. It was so good! It was probably one of the most ridiculous movies I've ever seen (and I haven't seen Bruno, yet. So that statement will most likely change soon.) and it was hilarious. Seriously.

Also, I pretty sure I'm in love with Bradley Cooper.

Caroline left sometime this afternoon and a few hours later, my uncle Tom and his two sons, Tommy and Jeff, stopped by and ate dinner with us and chilled.

I love when we get to see them. They're so hilarious.

For example, Jeff (who just turned thirteen) walked in sporting a shirt that read "Five Dollar Foot-Long" with an arrow pointing down.

If you knew my dad's side of the family, you'd understand how funny that actually is.

They were down in Atlanta for Jeff's soccer tournament and so they stopped by here, like they normally do. We're (me and padre) are going out to eat with them tomorrow before they head back to Virginia.

So, I guess that's pretty much it. I can't decide if I like capitalizing my words or not.

Sometimes I just think it looks better all lowercase and sometimes I'm just too lazy to hit the shift button.

p.s.- How attractive is Nick in that picture up there? Seriously, I love him.

I think it's funny how I've been talking about him in my posts and the Jonas Brothers aren't even one of my favorite bands at all. Hahah, maybe it's just fun to have something (or someone) to obsess over.

Seeing this just made my day about ten times better. It's the first Panic!-related smile I've cracked since everything happened.

I'm still really disappointed and upset about everything, but I'm glad someone can stay positive and make stuff like this :)

I just wish yours weren't so hard to accept.

I'm in a relatively good mood today.
(Considering the fact that my hands will probably smell like clorox until tomorrow because padre made me clean the bathroom.)
Yesterday was so much fun :)
Celeste picked me up and we went to eat chinese at New Happy Garden with Jessie and Heather.
Celeste had to be home by six, so she didn't get to go to the movies with us.
After she left, Jessie, Heather, and I went to Burke's because we had an hour to kill until the movie started.
It was so fun. We acted so stupid and took a million pictures and bought white boards and pens with the JONAS BROTHERS on them, hahahah.
So after that, we went to see Transformers 2 (revenge of the fallen, I think?). Honestly, I really have no idea what happened. Me and Jessie pretty much talked the whole time and I kept trying to see Megan Fox's "toe thumbs" (as Jessie calls them) but I kept on forgetting to look for them. I was really only concerned with the fact that Shia LaBeouf's character wasn't telling Megan Fox's character that he loved her. (Which happened by the end.)
After the movie, I went home with Jessie and stayed the night at her house. I'm glad we could finally hang out again without everything being all tense and awkward.
We stayed up until 10:30 am being stupid and doing stuff on the computer. (PAULA ABDUL?!)
Unfortunately, my dad called me at 3 and woke me up saying that I had to come home and clean because his brother is coming over today. He picked me up around 4 and I came home exhausted.
I ended up only having to clean the bathroom. And I'm not really tired anymore.
My uncle and two of his sons should be here soon, so I should probably wrap this up.
I'm excited to see them :)


and one last thing.
Dear Joesph Jonas,
I finally got around to listening to the song where you bash Taylor Swift (even though you deny it in interviews and whatnot, it's so fucking obvious it's about her) and I am shocked. It definitely sounds like you drop the f-bomb around the 3:20 mark! Honestly though, I find it hilarious. And although, you probably do say 'fight', it still sounds like 'fuck'. I hope you secretly did it on purpose. That would make me happy :)
Love,
A sixteen year-old girl who you'll probably never meet because I would never waste three-hundred dollars just to see you prance around on stage with your brothers :)

This is one of the only things that made me smile today.
I've had an insane migrane.

Okay, wow.
I've calmed down an excessive amount and I realize that last post was a bit much.
To make things clear, I am happy that they are doing what makes them happy and I still, without a doubt, support all of them.
Alas, I am still saddened that they will no longer be making music all together, seeing as their music made me happy.
It still makes me happy.
I don't think it matters how I feel anyway.
I am just a sixteen year-old girl who will probably never meet any of them.
So, there.

And who knows, maybe one day they'll all get back together for one last tour or something?
One can only hope.

So, Ryan and Jon left Panic at the Disco.
SERIOUSLY?!
I'm so pissed/upset right now.
I don't even know what else to say.
Ryan has always been someone I looked up to and if you know me,
you would know that there's so much more to it than just that.
I just want to go in my room and tear down every single picture,
but at the same time I don't.
I don't know what to do.
Jesus christ, I sound really pathetic right now.
But that band and that one guy has been my entire life for almost five years now.

Fuck this.