Today was the last day of Winter Retreat.

Winter Retreat is this thing my church does every year, where we go to Camp Cedar Cliff (formerly the Cove) in Asheville and stay for three days. I've been going since seventh grade, so this was my fifth year going. All it had ever been for me was just fun. And I think that was the problem. The thing is, it's a church retreat; it's supposed to be about God. But I had never taken it seriously. I would literally sit in the sessions bored, or miserable in small groups, and count down the seconds until free time. Then free time would consist of archery, the zipline, shooting BB guns, the high ropes course, or a bunch of other stuff. The point for me was that it was a weekend I could spend time and hang out with my friends. I was completely missing the point completely.

I'm not sure if it was a conscience thing or not, but I changed.

This year, I actually participated. The usual shy, uninterested girl I portrayed to the people in my church, wasn't me anymore. I talked in small groups- I was a main person in the skit! That's a big deal for me. I was enthusiastic about the stupid little games that we play at the beginning of every session. I almost won the dang rock, paper, scissors competition! I even paid attention to the sermons and didn't care how stupid I looked singing and dancing during worship. And, drum roll please, I was in the talent show. I completely stepped out of my comfort zone, willingly, for the first time in my entire life.

And, according to a really amazing sermon Mary Wood (Brown) gave, that's what God wants us to do.

Something about the sermons struck a chord with me. I don't know what it was, but for the first time I actually solidly believe that God, Jesus, and all of that stuff is real. Don't get me wrong, I've always believed in a higher being, but I've always gone back and forth- wrestled, if you will- with the actual belief in Christianity. I know this is making me sound like a lame church freak, but you know what? I don't care. For a couple of months now, I've been really trying to have a stronger faith and I think this just reinforced everything. And that's exactly what I needed.

And because I've been trying so hard, I think there are some things that need to be changed about myself:

• No more "god damn" or "jesus christ", seriously. I never used to say that and it really bothers me that I do.
• I'm going to start going back to youth. I've been putting it off for so long, but now it's time.
• I'm going to start going back to church. No more excuses! If daddy isn't in town, I can always find a ride. And if daddy is in town, he can freaking drive me.
• Cut back on the perverted comments. For real, this just makes me feel immature sometimes. And I just do it way too often.

That's all for now, but I'll add more as time goes on. Focusing on a few at a time will be easier.

I'm glad this is finally coming together.