transcendentalsm = <3

This is me apologizing for past, and any future use of gratuitous profanity.
It usually isn't the case, but, you know, f-bombs have been dropped here and there.
I'm just sayin'.

1/5/09

Tired kid's hopes and dreams
and worries
are played out on afternoon sessions
with guitar strings and soft picks;
there are only four chords,
but there's a story
that's waiting to be sung.

I'm tired of waiting,
I'm tired of dreaming.
I'm tired of sitting up at four in the morning,
wondering if tonight I'll finally get sleep.
I'm tired of wanting,
and thinking,
and shrinking,
and shrinking,
and shrinking.
You saved me- what can I say?
It's obvious.
But what now?
My feet are on the ground,
but my lungs are still in the ocean.
I want to get them back, but you won't let me.
How am I supposed to breathe?
I can't rely on you for forever.
I can't wait for them to wash up with the tide.
I can't wait for you to wash up with the tide.
I can't wait for you to wash up,
rinse off,
and sail away again.

I'm tired of writing sad songs.
I'm tired of being unaware that you're gone.
My lungs will never catch up with my heart.

Oh, Bob Dylan.
You're not that terrible.

dear blogspot,
why can't i post pictures or paste text?!
please fix this before i get angry.

xo

"Pocahontas, I'd rather die tomorrow than live a hundred years without knowing you."
-John Smith

haha, those damn cups.

just got back from jesse's house; i stayed there for four days.

so much fun, oh my god.

i love staying at her house. our friendship is so weird, but i love it. she's the only one of my friends i can be one-hundred percent myself around and we don't really ever get on each other's nerves. that's because we can be up-front with each other and tell the other one when to shut the hell up and to stop being bitchy.

anyway, i love her (:

catherine, me, and caley at the football game on friday (:
we sat in front of the cheerleaders and made fun of them all night, haha.
i love them.
our football team actually did well, though. it was our first playoff game and we beat a really good team. i never go to games, though. jesse dragged me.
we froze our asses off and everyone kept having to sit on each others laps because the student section was so full.
it turned out to be really fun.

7/6/09

Maybe you'll wake up one day,
Regret the fact that you didn't stay
Or do the things you swore you would
and realize leaving never did any good.
Maybe you'll think of me and the love
(I thought) we shared
Or remember how you never cared
Enough to hear what I had to say
Before you went and ran away.
Maybe you'll get the nerve to make the call
You never made, but you'll still stall
And convince yourself to put down the phone
But stare at it for hours, home alone.
Maybe you'll wonder if I still feel the same,
Wonder why I never came
To see you when you were back in town
For Christmas, even though you never came around.
Maybe you'll come home for good,
Finally do all the things you said you would,
With your heart filled with love, knock on my door
Only to find I'm not waiting anymore.

but things are never that simple.

I am the most nostalgic person I know.
That is, of course, besides my cousin Devan.

Devan is pretty much my best friend. He is one of three people who know absolutely everything about me and he's the least judgemental person I know. He always makes me laugh and has been through a lot of the same stuff I have, so he always seems to understand. And I love that about him.

I talked to Devan on the phone today for almost two hours. The majority of that time was spent talking about the way things used to be. We have this generic term- "the good days"- that we refer to when we talk about when we were little. "The good days" means the days before all the aunts on my mom's side of the family (my mom, Aunt Jenni, and Aunt Robin) got divorced. Whenever this comes up in conversation, we automatically know exactly what the other person is talking about: hammocks, Grease, barbies, tea parties, christmas, biscuits, bikes, crushed ice, rolling down the stairs, slapping Emily in the back, walking up town, monopoly, charlie horses, and tarbaby. If anyone other that the cousins on that side of the family heard these things, they would have no idea what hell we were talking about. But that's just it, no one else would ever understand because they weren't there.

Nostalgia is a funny concept. You can spend hours on the phone with your gay cousin talking about how amazing things were when you were eight years old and it makes you happy. But then, the conversation is over and real life sets in and you're not happy anymore; all you want to do is sit in your room and cry about how things aren't the same anymore- how they're never going to be same anymore.

My mom likes to tell me about what I was like when I was little. She says I was a happy, giggly, girl who always claimed to see angels in my room. I always tell her that I was probably lying about the angels, but she swears up and down that I wasn't lying and that children are more perceptive to things like that. I'm still happy for the most part and I laugh all the time, but I don't see angels anymore.

None of this is exactly relevant, but I've just been thinking about things lately.
I just can't seem to accept the fact that when things change,
they'll never be the same again.

because that's all I ever really wanted.

you're so hyptnotizing;
you've got me laughing while i sing,
you've got me smiling in my sleep.
and i can see this unraveling
-you're love is where i'm falling-
so, please, don't catch me.

Pictures from The White Tie Affair Talent show

Halloween!- Columbia, South Carolina

Dave from Every Avenue

Ryan from Runner Runner
"Stay sweet"
He was kind of awkward, haha.

Josh! from Every Avenue :D

Matt from Every Avenue

Jimmie from Every Avenue

Peter from Runner Runner :)
he was so adorable!

Stereo Skyline minus Brian

Chris and Tim from The White Tie Affair, hahaha :)
"This is an extension of my...hand"

Dennis from Every Avenue

Jon from Runner Runner :)

Nick from Runner Runner

Brian from Stereo Skyline

Sean from The White Tie Affair, hahahah.
"We're taking this picture my way!"

Ryan from The White Tie Affair

Jessie's dad made us pose with all of our merch, haha :)

After, in the McDonald's bathroom :)
I love Katie Makepeace for holding that up, hahah.

/end of joe mini-spam

(unless this actually turns out to be nick, because i'm not entirely sure at all.)

oh, veiny arms.

because i can.

hahahahahahahah!

this is the best thing i've seen all day.

"This time we'll set the record straight
Head trips grasping for something to say
Make your move before it's too late
Because we all fall down
Left for dead
Decaying in your grave
Daily routine future filed away
Flash-backwards thinking everyday
It's time for you to wake up tonight
I'm sick of you running my life
And these hang ups are getting harder to deal with every time
It's time for you to wake up tonight"

I'm so fucking fed up with you.
You're such a bitch all the time and I'm sick of you trying to make me feel like shit.
You're one of the most hypocritical, judgemental, two-faced people I know
and I can't believe it's taken me this long to figure it out.
I can't tell you anything anymore without worrying about who you're going to tell.
I just can't trust you anymore.
And for god's sake, you aren't better than everyone else.
So, it'd be awesome if you would stop acting like it.

You're not going to read this anyway, but whatever.
I'm just over it.

If I wake in the morning,
I'll only need two more miracles to be a saint.
Everything I promised everyone I'd be,
well I just Ain't.

Lately it seems like
Everybody's sick,
Everybody's died.
Build myself a wall up on happy highs,
Knowing my heart
Knows my head is lying.
Oh, Glory.

I just got back from Jesse's house and I am exhausted.
But last night was so much fun.

I went home with Catherine after school and we went to her house, got burger king, packed, etc. And then we went to pick up Molly at K-mart.
I was kind of worried about not really knowing anyone but Catherine and Jesse, but Catherine had told me that I would love Molly. And I do. She's so fucking hilarious.
When us three got to Jesse's house, it was super awkward, so we just kind of went outside and took pictures and were being retarded.
The other seven girls were all getting ready and whatnot because we were going to go to the House of Terror at Ghost Town. We basically stayed outside and made fun of everyone in the house until Jesse called Molly and told us to come upstairs.
When we got up there everyone was in the bathroom putting makeup on. I helped Molly take some of her foundation of, haha.
After everyone was finished (almost an hour later) we all crammed into the durango. It was really packed with ten people in there.
When we got to Ghost Town, it was freezing. And on top of that, we had to ride a fucking chair lift TWO MILES up this big ass mountain. Not fun at all. But me and Catherine sang the entire time, haha.
So, we got up there and had to wait in line for twenty or so minutes before we actually got in the house and you could really only have groups of four. But they let us have a group of five and two groups of three. Sam Anderson was in front of me the whole time, hahah!
Let's just say it was terrifying. I usually think stuff like that is lame, but this was freaking scary as shit. And when we finally got out of the house, me and Molly were dying laughing and Catherine just took off running. It was great.
After that, we went down to this "Saloon" thing to get something to drink. There were only about six other people in there seeing as it was almost nine o'clock on a Thursday. The owner was there, though, and he let me and Catherine do karaoke on his iPhone. It was so hilarious.
Then, everyone went and rode this rollercoaster about three times. Not me, obviously, because it went upside down.
It kept getting even colder, so Catherine, Molly, Savannah, Jordan, and I rode the bus down the mountain instead of the chair lift. Then everyone squeezed into the durango and we went back to Jesse's.
When we got back, everyone was pretty tired so everyone but Jesse, Destiny, Catherine, Molly, and me went upstairs and slept in Jesse's room. The rest of us stayed in her basement and attempted to watch a movie. Destiny and Molly were being hilarious, though, and nobody could pay attention to the movie because we were all laughing so hard. But then Jesse started getting irratated, so her and Destiny slept on the pull out couch and Catherine, Molly, and I made a make-shift thing on the floor to sleep on. Jesse and Destiny were out in about five minutes, but Catherine, Molly, and I stayed up talking until about one thirty, I guess.
This morning, Emilie comes downstairs and turns the lights on, and screams "EVERYBODY GET UP!" about ten times. I'm pretty sure I threw my pillow at her, seeing as it was only nine.
Jesse's mom made breakfast, though, and it was delicious.
Catherine had to be home by ten, so Molly, Destiny, and I packed into Catherine's little car with all of our shit and left. We dropped Molly off at K-mart, again, and Destiny and I got dropped off at my house. Catherine had to leave and babysit Lily, her sister, and Destiny and I chilled for about fifteen minutes until her dad came and picked her up.

Now I'm exhausted, in need of a shower, and procrastinating on packing for my mom's.
Madre and Aunt Jenni are picking me up around one to take me to Lincolnton :)

we're just aiming to please

and the anesthetics don't hurt one bit.

now we know the real reason ryan left panic, haha.

(angry much, brendon?)

~jonas throwback

You are a parasite in disguise.

The way you clung to me, with such need,
shot falsified love deep into my veins.
Such synthetic adoration fooled not only me,
but every thought that passed through my mind.
And with every synapse, your love spread like poison
until it reached the heart.

Then, suddenly, everything changed.
Like the tides, only not as calculated,
Your pull was tantalyzing.
It was more than the gravitational force
that brought us crashing to the once thriving earth beneath me.

Your attatchment, now turned deadly.
Instead of giving me life,
you were sucking it out of me.
Like a leech, only more painstakingly obvious.
The way my name fell from your perfect lips
felt like a curse.
The acidic way you proclaimed your love for me
was leaving permanent ulcers in my heart.

Nothing was becoming what I had imagined.
Everything was going horribly wrong.
Yet, leaving was harder than planned.

Scientist believe that the host of a parasite fights,
at least for a little while, but inevitably
gives in and gives up.
And how right they were.

One way in and no way out.
Every empire has its fall.

:)

Thanks a lot.
I've been disadvantaged from the start.
He constricted the veins heading straight to my head,
Rerouted the blood to my heart instead.
Rerouted the blood to my heart instead.

I am braindead,

Thinking strictly in blues and reds.

Oh, I'm in enough trouble man.

Oh man, I'm in trouble again.

'Cause everyone's ears are watching me,

And I never, ever felt that this would be

Anything more than a makeshift personal IV.

'Cause I fall three times as hard,
If it's from nothing at all.
You all seem twice as tall as I will ever be.
And I feel terribly small,
When my head works too hard.
When you think with your chest,
There's not a thing that you don't see.

I'm hardly capable of half the damage that I would like to do.

I could swear that I don't care,

But you know I'm too full of shit to think this through.

So look at me, I pray to God.

But curse too much to be considered true.

I'm just like me, I'm just like me.

So, who the hell are you?

Half of the time, not having one particular best friend is awesome.
I never feel obligated to hang out with a certain person and I never feel bad for hanging out with other people.
But the other half of the time, I just feel kind of alone.
I never have anyone to tell things to.
Not the the things I actually need to talk about, anyway.
I don't have that one person I can always count on to be there,
and I don't know.
Sometimes it just sucks.

But I don't really like to think about it that much.

I have absolutely no idea what to do.
Half of me wants to punch you in the face and the other half remembers how close we got last school year.
I'm sorry that you refuse to accept the fact that you're pretty much in love with Jared, but since you won't even admit it to me, I can't really do anything about it.
And even if you did say something, I'm not going to stop being friends with him.
HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU.
at all.
He thinks you're annoying, repetitive, and ugly.
Do you know how badly I want to scream that in your face sometimes?!
Nothing you say will make me stop talking to him, so stop feeding me your pathetic bullshit about him talking bad about me and Jessie.
And where do you get off telling him that I like him?
Seriously, dude? He's like my brother.
Even he didn't believe that.
And shut the fuck up about Kyle!
I know for a fact that he doesn't like you like that, so you can stop making up stories.
I DON'T CARE.
And seriously, I don't think I can ever tell you anything important ever again.
Every time I tell you I like somebody, you like them two days later.
It's getting pretty damn old, okay?

I love you and you're one of my best friends,
but I don't know how much longer I can handle you.
Get your shit together.




/breathes.

hahahahahah!

what. the. hell, megan moody?

really? really.

this scares me.

Have I ever mentioned how much I love Zach Suggs?
(I'll explain more on this later.)

Today was really busy for me.
After school, I had a National Honor Society meeting. It was really pointless and annoying and a waste of my twenty minutes. When that was over, I met Catherine at her car and we went to Starbucks and got coffee :) and we got snacks and stuff from Ingles for pumpkin patch.
We didn't have to be at the pumpkin patch until five, so we had thirty minutes or so to waste some time. So, what do we do? We drive down main street with all the windows down, blasting Lady Gaga and singing as loud as we can.
I love Catherine :)
In the end, we still got to the pumpkin patch twenty minutes early. But we knew the people working, so we hung out with them until Dale showed up.
We were kind of worried about how awkward it was going to be with Dale there, but it turned out to be really fun. She took a million pictures of me and Catherine and we just talked and whatnot. Oh, and sold a few pumpkins I guess.
It was fun to hang out with Peggy, too. She's like my second mom.
Of course, Jesse didn't go. She "forgot" about it and "had too much homework, anyway."
We still had a fantastic time, though.
After we were finished, we walked uptown to eat at Nick and Nate's.
We stopped at this random shop that was open and me and Catherine bought these headbands with flower petals on them. They were only a dollar and tomorrow is decades day at school, so we're going to be "flower children." I know it's lame, but that's the fun in it.
Catherine and I wore our headbands into Nick and Nate's and our waiter asked us if we had been drinking. A lot of people were staring at us, so we took off the headbands.
After dinner, Dale wanted to take me home because she wanted me to listen to a CD.
We talked and listened to whatever she wanted me to listen to and eventually I asked her who it was singing, because it was really good.
Do you know who it was? Zachary Suggs.
The boy I've been in love with since he walked into my seventh period three weeks ago.
The CD only made me love him even more.
He is so amazing :)
Okay, I'm done being lame.
I have to go finish my moodle entry for english :(
And I have some pre-calc to do.
Gross.

HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

ohmygod jessie, you better be freaking out right now.

i love patrick stump (:

/steals from jessie's tumblr.

Dan- When I get back, please tell me the truth.
Alice- Why?
Dan- Because I'm addicted to it. Because without it, we're animals. Trust me.

I don't want to lie. I can't tell the truth. So it's over.
I don't love you anymore, goodbye.

Jesse, Me, and Catherine this July in Philadelphia :)
That was one of the best trips I've ever been on.

I love them so much.

I went to Youth for the first time in about a year today.
My church has a pumpkin patch every year and today we all unloaded pumpkins. Needless to say, my arms are sort of sore.
It was fun, though.
Carter was there, which was random because I didn't even know he went to my church. He was kind of awkwardly standing alone, so Jesse and I talked to him and stuff.
He's so beautiful; I love him :)
He seriously has the prettiest eyes I've ever seen.
It was nice just to be able to chill and catch up with Catherine and Jesse after all the pumpkins were unloaded.
I definitely think I'm going to start going back to Youth.
I forgot how much I loved it.

I'm working at the pumpkin patch on Thursday. It should be fun :)

But as for now, I'm finishing up a bunch of CDs I promised to make for people.
This is the first weekend since school started that I haven't had any homework.

i love this man (:

Your memories will always haunt me like a ghost
To put it nicely I hope you choke
A poet of sorts but I'm not enough to give you an eyesore
It's hard to swallow with your hands around my throat
I'm sick and tired of, I told you so
You can call me at home but I know better than to answer the phone
When people ask about the last time that we spoke
I let the stitches do the talking for the most part
And I leave out how you threw a lamp through my front window
.
Just burn the photographs and bury all the pages that we knew
In short this is a long goodbye to unexpecting you