When I saw this, I laughed until I cried.

Best thing ever.
Whoever came up with pokebden is amazing.

Alright, so I just saw this a few minutes ago, but Jon posted this sometime earlier today, I'm pretty sure.

When I saw this, the first thing I thought was 'I'm glad he's finally growing his hair back out' and then, not even two seconds later, I got this feeling in the back of my throat. Normally, this feeling indicates that I'm about to squeal of delight. But even I surprised myself when I started crying.

Fucking crying.

I'm so worried about him, it's scary. If I think about it for too long, I physically get sick. Now don't get me wrong, I understand that it's utterly ridiculous to worry so much about someone I've never even met, but I'm just so scared for him. I don't even know how to explain it. All I know is that everything I used to think he was has completely changed.

I know that I have no say in what he chooses to do, but what he's doing is so dangerous. (That is, of course, if all of my suspicions are found to be true.) I just never thought that, after all the stuff that went down with his dad, he would choose to do something so reckless with his life.

I know this was pointless, but I just had to get that out.

Just, UGH, I don't think I could even begin to explain how much he means to me.
What he's doing is killing him and if he dies, I honestly have no idea what I'm going to do.

dreams aren't as sweet
without you here.
morphed and plagued with
images that sear
into my memory.

it makes no difference
how many or what pills i take.
the stains running down
my cheeks are still there when i wake
in the morning, sometimes evening,
mostly afternoons.

as hard as it might be
and though it pains me to say:
when you were here,
you kept my demons at bay.
now you're gone
and they're here to stay.


you'd think that moving 4,000 miles away would solve everything.
you'd be wrong.

God, and I just remembered that I have to get up early tomorrow.
I have to sell ads for my school's yearbook.
I haven't even sold one yet and I have to sell at least $800 worth by August seventeenth.
I'm such a procrastinator at heart.

Also, I love Death Cab For Cutie a lot.
I've been listening to Plans on repeat for almost a week now.
That's all.

It's one-eleven am and it's pouring and thundering like there's no tomorrow outside. For some reason, it's scaring the shit out of me. Storms never scare me, either. It's kind of freaking me out.

To keep my mind off that for the time being, I'll continue with what I planned on posting today.

My sister, Caroline, was in town this weekend. She's twenty-five and lives in Raleigh, which is four hours away, so I never really get to see her, much less spend time with her. She got in mid-day Friday and we spent all of Saturday together. It was so much fun. I had almost forgotten how fun it was spending time with her.

We went to downtown Asheville and mostly just walked around and checked out a bunch of stores. I only really had money for coffee, so I didn't do any shopping. Downtown was awesome. I never get the chance to go to Asheville, so I had never been around downtown that much. I didn't expect it to be so artsy. And seeing as I absolutely love stuff like that, it only made me love it that much more. It was kind of rainy, but the rare abundance of attractive males we talked to definitely made up for that.

After we left downtown, we went to the movie theater near the mall (Beaucatcher, I think? I'm not entirely sure and frankly, I don't think it matters.) to see The Hangover.

I had already been wanting to go see it, but the movies in Waynesville wasn't playing it. So naturally, I was excited. Caroline had already seen it the previous weekend, but she kept talking about how much she liked it so that made me even more excited.

And oh, my god. It was so good! It was probably one of the most ridiculous movies I've ever seen (and I haven't seen Bruno, yet. So that statement will most likely change soon.) and it was hilarious. Seriously.

Also, I pretty sure I'm in love with Bradley Cooper.

Caroline left sometime this afternoon and a few hours later, my uncle Tom and his two sons, Tommy and Jeff, stopped by and ate dinner with us and chilled.

I love when we get to see them. They're so hilarious.

For example, Jeff (who just turned thirteen) walked in sporting a shirt that read "Five Dollar Foot-Long" with an arrow pointing down.

If you knew my dad's side of the family, you'd understand how funny that actually is.

They were down in Atlanta for Jeff's soccer tournament and so they stopped by here, like they normally do. We're (me and padre) are going out to eat with them tomorrow before they head back to Virginia.

So, I guess that's pretty much it. I can't decide if I like capitalizing my words or not.

Sometimes I just think it looks better all lowercase and sometimes I'm just too lazy to hit the shift button.

p.s.- How attractive is Nick in that picture up there? Seriously, I love him.

I think it's funny how I've been talking about him in my posts and the Jonas Brothers aren't even one of my favorite bands at all. Hahah, maybe it's just fun to have something (or someone) to obsess over.

Seeing this just made my day about ten times better. It's the first Panic!-related smile I've cracked since everything happened.

I'm still really disappointed and upset about everything, but I'm glad someone can stay positive and make stuff like this :)

I just wish yours weren't so hard to accept.

I'm in a relatively good mood today.
(Considering the fact that my hands will probably smell like clorox until tomorrow because padre made me clean the bathroom.)
Yesterday was so much fun :)
Celeste picked me up and we went to eat chinese at New Happy Garden with Jessie and Heather.
Celeste had to be home by six, so she didn't get to go to the movies with us.
After she left, Jessie, Heather, and I went to Burke's because we had an hour to kill until the movie started.
It was so fun. We acted so stupid and took a million pictures and bought white boards and pens with the JONAS BROTHERS on them, hahahah.
So after that, we went to see Transformers 2 (revenge of the fallen, I think?). Honestly, I really have no idea what happened. Me and Jessie pretty much talked the whole time and I kept trying to see Megan Fox's "toe thumbs" (as Jessie calls them) but I kept on forgetting to look for them. I was really only concerned with the fact that Shia LaBeouf's character wasn't telling Megan Fox's character that he loved her. (Which happened by the end.)
After the movie, I went home with Jessie and stayed the night at her house. I'm glad we could finally hang out again without everything being all tense and awkward.
We stayed up until 10:30 am being stupid and doing stuff on the computer. (PAULA ABDUL?!)
Unfortunately, my dad called me at 3 and woke me up saying that I had to come home and clean because his brother is coming over today. He picked me up around 4 and I came home exhausted.
I ended up only having to clean the bathroom. And I'm not really tired anymore.
My uncle and two of his sons should be here soon, so I should probably wrap this up.
I'm excited to see them :)


and one last thing.
Dear Joesph Jonas,
I finally got around to listening to the song where you bash Taylor Swift (even though you deny it in interviews and whatnot, it's so fucking obvious it's about her) and I am shocked. It definitely sounds like you drop the f-bomb around the 3:20 mark! Honestly though, I find it hilarious. And although, you probably do say 'fight', it still sounds like 'fuck'. I hope you secretly did it on purpose. That would make me happy :)
Love,
A sixteen year-old girl who you'll probably never meet because I would never waste three-hundred dollars just to see you prance around on stage with your brothers :)

This is one of the only things that made me smile today.
I've had an insane migrane.

Okay, wow.
I've calmed down an excessive amount and I realize that last post was a bit much.
To make things clear, I am happy that they are doing what makes them happy and I still, without a doubt, support all of them.
Alas, I am still saddened that they will no longer be making music all together, seeing as their music made me happy.
It still makes me happy.
I don't think it matters how I feel anyway.
I am just a sixteen year-old girl who will probably never meet any of them.
So, there.

And who knows, maybe one day they'll all get back together for one last tour or something?
One can only hope.

So, Ryan and Jon left Panic at the Disco.
SERIOUSLY?!
I'm so pissed/upset right now.
I don't even know what else to say.
Ryan has always been someone I looked up to and if you know me,
you would know that there's so much more to it than just that.
I just want to go in my room and tear down every single picture,
but at the same time I don't.
I don't know what to do.
Jesus christ, I sound really pathetic right now.
But that band and that one guy has been my entire life for almost five years now.

Fuck this.

I mean, really. Do I even need to say anything about this?!

Oh, Nick Jonas.

“Life isn’t necessarily easy but it is always worth figuring it out.
That, if nothing else, has had the most profound effect on me
-learning that sometimes your circumstances suck, but life doesn’t.”
......................................................-Andrew McMahon

I love him a lot :)

Just so everyone is clear- when it comes to Nick Jonas, I am a complete fangirl.

I know it's utterly lame, but I don't even care. Just look at him! Oh, child.

Surrendering myself to you was never easy.
And when I finally managed to,
when I finally managed to get out those last few words
that broke through the walls and tore down old
paranoia, mistakes and insecurities,
I thought I had won.
But when you,
when you dove right back into that flaked and frayed sky,
I knew.
I knew that our surrenders had turned to sacrifice,
without reward.

When I said, dont hold your breath,
what I really meant was, please dont let this happen.
When I said, have fun fucking up the rest of your life,
what I really meant was, it shouldnt be this way.
When I said, let me be,
what I really meant was, dont leave again.

But when I said, I love you,
I meant it.

Last night was the first time I'd slept in three days.
And I dreamt, beautifully, as if nothing had ever happened.
As if our lives were still connected everytime we touched,
our voices wrapping around the other like a binding spell,
keeping our hearts healthy and smiling.
It was like a time machine,
bringing me back to a place I haven't yet forgotten,
but let slip from my mind -a place where I was perfect,
merely because I belonged to you.
I found comfort in your thoughts;
and although I sometimes disagreed,
on the inside my mind had completely wrapped itself around the words you said.
I believed you.
I believed in you.
Every inch of you,
every aspect,
every dream.
And even though I was satisfied,
I could never get enough of you.
I wanted all of you,
every second,
of every day.
I wanted to feel every breath you took,
and hear every softly pounding heartbeat.
You saw so many flaws in yourself, but all I could see was perfection.

As I slept, this was the case.
Every butterfly,
every blinding smile,
every simple laugh,
was present in this dream.

We were the spring again.
We were the summer again.
We were every shining sun,
crashing wave,
and warm breeze.
The brilliance we gave off could sometimes be overpowering,
but still in good taste.
And though a storm rolled through some harsh afternoons,
we would always face the clearing sky with a new hope,
a new found knowledge.
Our hearts taught each other what it was like to be on top of the world.
For the longest time, that's where they stood, strong and unwavering,
with the mindset that they were never coming down.

And then autumn came.

With the falling leaves, came falling hope.
The cold winds lashed out repeatedly,
bending and breaking us.
I may not have been strong enough,
but neither were you.
I take comfort in knowing that.
Ice wrapped over our memories, our lives, our hearts.
It was unbreakable, though I tried many times to tear it apart.
I wanted so desperately to bring us back.
I didn't care about your negative thoughts
-I wasn't aware of their truth at the time anyway-
I only cared about trying to change your perspective.
Trying to change you.
Trying to change us.
Or maybe not change, just remind
-remind you and me of the time we shared,
and the seasons we faced,
and the months we raced through.

We'll never make it to winter.

"They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. I don’t know what them eyes was the windows to and I guess I’d as soon not know. But there is another view of the world out there and other eyes to see it and that’s where this is going. It has done brought me to a place in my life I would not of thought I’d of come to. Somewhere out there is a true and living prophet of destruction and I don’t want to confront him. I know he’s real. I have seen his work. I walked in front of those eyes once.
I won’t do it again."
- No Country For Old Men

Such a great movie, but an even better book.

"Everybody makes mistakes; not just most people- everybody. And the ones that can't forgive others' mistakes, the ones that won't let you forget those mistakes, are making an even bigger one. And those kind of people- those are the ones you don't need in your life. But the ones that will forgive your mistakes and move on from them are the ones you better thank god for. Because they are the people that are gonna be there when no one else is."

I love my mom. She gives me the best advice and always knows how to make me see things clearer. I don't know what I'd do without her.

this weekend was so depressing.
i went to my grandpa's funeral
i don't really want to go into details, but it was the hardest thing i've ever had to go through.

so i guess i've definitely lost my best friend this time.
she said that i act different around people or something and that everyone thinks i'm annoying,
which shouldn't really bother me because it's stupid- but it does.
it bothers me a lot, not that it matters.
i thought i was done crying over things like this, but i guess i was wrong.

i'm sick of people not telling me things.
if you don't like me, then don't act like you do.
that only makes things worse.