Time is going by so slowly and I'm loving every second.

Tennis season has come to a close. Our team by no means won, but we came in fourth out of eight teams at the AAC tournament and I'd say that's pretty good. I'm going to miss practice with all those girls. They're some of my favorite people! I've had some of the best times at tennis events. So many fits of crying laughter. I really am going to miss tennis.

But, it's only October!

When did time decide to slow down? Really, it feels like the year should be more than half-way over by now. I'm glad that senior year isn't flying by, no matter how many times I may claim to want the year to be over already. College will just have to wait a little while.

Speaking of college, when did applying become such a big ordeal? The application to UNC looks just like a bragging contest to me. It's taking forever to fill everything out! But, nonetheless, it's all very satisfying/exciting/sad at the same time. As much as I don't want to admit it, I know I'm going to miss Waynesville. I have a love/hate relationship with this place.

Anyway, things are going swimmingly over here. School is semi-stressful, but I expected as much. I'm not complaining. Well, except maybe about this chemistry research paper I'm procrastinating on.

The Pisgah-Tuscola game is tomorrow! Sources say we have the third biggest high school football rivalry in the country. That's pretty dang impressive.

I shouldn't have to put up with this.

I hate living in this house. My stepmother makes living miserable and it seems like no one believes me, save for my mom. I'm so sick of her condescending remarks regarding my weight. No one in this house is on my side. How is that fair? I'm basically always confined to my room because she takes over the living room. This household is moreso a dictatorship than it is a democracy.

She is the most ignorant, narrow-minded, complete and utter bitch I have ever been so unfortunate to come in contact with. And if she makes one more comment about gay people, I swear to god I'll scream every single thing I've ever held back at her until I'm blue in the face.

Only one more year and I'm gone from this godforsaken place.

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today > yesterday

enough said.

today

• ruined my ap calc grade and progress reports come out thursday. AWESOME.
• super stressed out rest of the day
• found out things in publications- pissed off more
• mrs. brookshire said our papers on lord of the flies have to be five pages long. they're due monday. i haven't even finished the book.
• mr. pressley couldn't help me with ap calc take home test after school. ughhh.
• waited for patrick. joey came up and talked to me. had a mini heart-to-heart. almost cried about four times.
• home for two hours before tennis. got nothing accomplished.
• got to tennis. my raquet is completely destroyed. cool.
• peace walk with alex and catherine around the lake
• got home and fell a little better, but not really
• glee!
• still don't understand problem on ap calc take home test

basically, it was a pretty horrible day.

"who do you think you are

running 'round leaving scars,

collecting a jar of hearts,

tearing love apart.

you're gonna catch a cold

from the ice inside your soul.

don't come back for me.

who do you think you are?"

i love my friends :)

I really love my friends.

Catherine and I laughed so hard basically the entire night and I had some quality conversations with Alex and Joey.

Last night was just a lot of fun :)

Senior Year really couldn't be going any better.

I've only had one full week of school and it's already better than any year so far. Does that sound ridiculous? Maybe that's because it is.

I have tennis practice everyday after school until five and I really love those girls. The ride to practice from school is so much fun alone! I ride with Catherine, Caroline and Margot and they're some of the most hilarious people I know. We had our first match on Wednesday. It was at Smoky Mountain and while I'm technically on the JV team (because I'm horrible, haha) I get to go to away games because I'm the Varsity Manager! Isn't that hilarious? All I have to do is hand people water bottles and besides that, I just get to sit and gossip with my friends. We went out to eat after the match (which we won, by the way!) and we had some interesting conversations with Mr. Rogers (he drove the bus) and Mrs. Smathers. It was a lot of fun. I love everyone on the team :)

Last night, I went to the football game with Caroline and Margot. It's weird because that's super out of my comfort zone. If I were ever to go to something like that, I would usually go with my best friends and while they're already some of my favorite people, I've only known Caroline since July and I've only known Margot since last week! We stayed at Margot's after the game and it was so much fun :) We stayed up all night watching movies and laughing. You know, typical girl stuff. Caroline had to leave pretty early this morning, so I just chilled with Margot until around two thirty. This time last year, I would have never done that with someone I hardly know. But it feels so much better to not worry about stuff like that. I'm not so much concerned with who I'm with or what we're doing anymore. I just want to have fun and so far it's all working out perfectly.

I can't believe I'm a senior. It all feels so surreal. I can't even picture what my life is going to look like a year from now, but I know it's going to be completely different.

I can tell that everything is changing for me, but I think I'm really going to love the outcome.

Let's just have an honest moment. I miss Panic! at the Disco.

I've been avoiding it for awhile now, because it just seemed like they weren't going to release any new stuff for a long time. I hadn't listened to any songs, watched any videos, read any interviews- I had cut them out of my life essentially. But today I caved. I was looking around my room saw all of the posters and just had a relapse. I laid on my bed for two hours and listened to every single song I had of theirs.

And I cried.

It had been so long. I'm talking at least five months. I hadn't listened to my favorite band in five months! It felt so good to hear them pouring through my speakers again.

So, for the past hour or so, I've been reading so many interviews that I so skillfully avoided. And, oh my god, I'm so excited for their new cd. Words can't even express the type of joy I'm feeling right now.

I've missed them so much.

I'm never giving up again.

i just want a guy to kiss me like this.

i just want this, okay?

this is what my heart yearns for!

hahah :)

(no, but seriously...)

Life can be really good when you need it to be.

This summer has been so much better than I expected it to be. For the first time, I'm not stressed out about what I should be doing or where I should be at a certain time. It's just been...chill.

I've realized somethings about myself recently. Like how I worry about the little things so much until I'm so anxious and can't even stand it. And how I constantly think about everything that could be going wrong, so much that sometimes I can't even let myself have a good time with my friends. But, I've been working on it. And you know what? Things are so much easier when you don't worry.

So, as for now, no more freaking out when there aren't any definite plans. I'm just going with the flow and the flow has yet to reject me.

Of course, I still set alarms so I don't sleep in too late, but that's just the type of person I am.

On a separate note, senior pictures went really great! I'm excited to see them. I can't believe I'm graduating next year.

It's so crazy.

I need to take a deep breath.

Relaxation has always come so easy to me, yet having time to accomplish it has been sparse lately. Alas! I am in Lincolnton and have time to do nothing but relax and spend time with all of my beloved family. These people, they are the best in the entire world. And that's an understatement.

I've been at my mom's since Monday, but today was the first day we actually went into Lincolnton, as she lives thirty minutes out of the way, and man, I've missed it. I always do. I went to surprise Devan at work and it was great. He practically busted out of the bakery, running to pick me up and spin me around like he always does. I love him so much. I love everything about this place.

I never want to leave.

There are only few songs that evoke intense emotion from me.
Jasey Rae (All Time Low), Bruised (Jack's Mannequin) and No One's Gonna Love You (Band of Horses) are some of them.

Pandora just played all three in a row.

It's ridiculous how much I miss Lincolnton sometimes.

And it always happens unexpectedly. For instance, I'll be watching something on tv that will remind me of someone there or something that happened there and BAM! I'm just wishing for summer to get here already so I can leave this godforsaken county with all of these godforsaken people.

I'm so tired of living amidst all of this.

And I'm not even sure what it is exactly that this is.

Sorry for the lack of updates.
I gave up the computer for lent and then, well, I got tired of having to update things. And now, I'm back, but I don't know, it just doesn't seem as important anymore.
When I'm older, I'm not going to care about how my dad pissed me off when I was seventeen or how I stressed over school. So, is it really even important?
The importance of things is significantly lower in retrospect.

But who knows, I may go back to updating ten times a day or it may be once a week.
I just don't know.
Things are getting kind of stressful with the school year coming to a close and getting on the computer is just a big distraction I'm not going to be able to afford in a couple of weeks.

you're the echoes of my everything,
you're the emptiness the whole world sings at night,
you're the laziness in the afternoon,
you're the reason why i burst and why i bloom,
you're the leaky sink of sentiment,
you're the failed attempts i never could forget,
you're the metaphors i can't create to comprehend this curse that i call love.

i love you, however,
you hold me down.

Love is no exception to change.

a memory remains but a tiny spark