these past four days have been emotionally draining.

i went to virginia with my dad and stepmom on friday. we drove to springfield to see my grandfather, who is currently staying in the hospital wing of his military retirement home.
after our roughly eight hour drive, we went out to dinner with my uncle mark. he kind of gave us a heads up on grandpa's condition, but i don't really think anything could have prepared me for seeing him.
the last time i had seen him, was two christmases ago. we (my dad, my older brother and sister, and i) usually go up there every few christmases and we hadn't been up there in about three years, so it was due time. nothing about grandpa was any different then; he was still the strict military man i had always known.
but when i saw him on saturday, everything about him was different.
he had lost thirty-four pounds in a matter of six weeks; his eyes were sunken in, all the bones on his face protruding. he had stubble and his har had grown past his ears, which, considering his clean-cut military persona, was something i had never seen on him. and when i walked in the room after my dad, greeted with the usual "hey, grandpa" and shook his hand, he had no clue who i was. of course, he acted like he did by saying "it's been a long time..." but it was obvious he didn't when he said the same thing to my dad, but added "it's been a long time, john."
i didn't cry, and i didn't show how upset i was.
i hardly know my grandfather. sure, i've seen him a lot in the course of my life, but he's not a personable person. i know a lot about his life, but he knows nothing about me. absolutely nothing.
and before i continue, you should know that it's not that he forgot he had a grandfather- he just didn't realize who i was. at least, that's what i hope. when my dad updated him on caroline (sister), patrick (brother), me, he understood who he was talking about.
nonetheless, when we got back to the hotel, i went down to the room where the free breakfast is held and sobbed on the phone to my mom.
other things happened in virginia, but i don't really feel like crying right now, so maybe i'll type it out later.
my grandpa will probably die in about a year.


to top it all off, my dog died this morning.
i had sophie, my golden retriever, for eleven years.
we don't know how she died exactly, but she had been sick lately.

that sounded less lame in my mind.

if i can tell you everything,
why can't you tell me anything?
if you're the person i trust the most,
why can't you trust me at all?
if we can fix things with other people,
why can't we seem to fix this?
if you're my best friend,
why aren't i yours?

i know all of this sounds selfish,
but there's nothing else i can do.

cause here i am
pale and bare
waiting on the world
while the world waits for change.
and each gesture i make toward the stars
has no return.
and it seems my eyes
have no reason to burn.
and it's not a question
of love and devotion;
i'm going through
most of the motions, i just
feel like it's more
than just smiles
and felt-tipped pins.
i want to see heaven
through more than a cloudy camera lens.
am i making sense
or making a scene?
am i speaking in signs too small for the greater scheme?
or am i hunting for the dream within the dream?
i'll never reach, but that's my own mistake;
for every grain of hope
you give, i'll take and
for every anthem i hold dear,
i'll have a heavier heart to break.

we had the "North Carolina State Writing Test" today.
i don't think i've ever been so stressed over a test before and i don't usually get stressed at all for tests. i finished copying over my last sentence of my conclusion right when the proctor said to close our booklets. that's never happened to me. i usually finish really early.
it was weird not having to sit around while everyone finished.
anyway, our prompt was easy.
"explain the effects cell phones have on our everyday lives"
and it gave us ten useless facts that i didn't even use in my essay.

i feel boring.

one day you'll get sick of saying
that everything's alright
and by then i'm sure i'll be pretending
just like i am tonight
please don't get me wrong
because i'll never let this go
but i can't find the words to tell you
i don't want to be alone
but now i feel like i don't know you

strangely enough, this fits perfectly with what i'm going through.

when your best friend doesn't invite you to her birthday party, but invites a girl you know full and well she doesn't like, is it okay to be upset?
that doesn't really have anything to do with the beginning of this post, but i was just making sure i wasn't overreacting.

this is all random, but i felt like getting it out.
i can't talk to someone who doesn't want to listen anymore.

things look different layered in snow. everything seems brighter and even calmer. as to why this is, i'm not so sure. i don't think i've ever realized how gorgeous it is where i live. seeing the mountains covered in six inches of snow is probably the prettiest i've ever seen them.

we didn't have school today, obviously. i don't think any school district within two-hundred miles of here was running school today. my brother got stuck on I-40 for five hours this morning on his way here from raleigh. it's crazy that snow and ice can do something so drastic to traffic when highways are being constantly plowed and salted. anyway, my brother is here now and depending on the weather, he's heading for atlanta tomorrow. like always, i'll barely get to see him. nothing new. the news says that i have a two-hour delay tomorrow, but ten dollars says we won't have school at all. nonetheless, i'll get to sleep in tomorrow and i'm happy.

have you ever stepped back and looked at your life?
i mean really looked at it; analyzed it, critiqued it- all those things. have you?
only recently have i done so. and so far, it's been shockingly disappointing.
i have all of these hopes and dreams that i should be focusing on, but i'm not.
i've been playing it safe and just been...boring.
it's weird because that's never how i saw myself.
i always thought i was at least making some headway toward my goals, but no.
i've been sitting back and letting time pass without even thinking about it.
maybe these are just jumbled thoughts, or perhaps they make some sort of sense,
but either way, things are going to be different.
because i'm the only one who can change the direction my life is going
and for once in my life, i'm going to do something about it.