i don't want to translate french.
i would rather sleep.

So, I might not have internet for the next couple of days.
We're getting construction done on our house and it's on the wall where the ethernet cable is, so until the construction guys finish, I won't have internet.
Fucking awesome, right?
NOT.
Especially since I have a huge french project due Friday.

i love him :)

you can't tell in this picture, but he kind of looks like alex deleon.

i'm not even sure why this is funny, but i find it hilarious.

/feels like perez hilton.

love is a strange thing, isn't it?

.

i've been thinking about it a lot lately. mostly the latter side of love, though. the heartbreak, the emptiness, the (sometimes) regret- it's all worth it. but what happens after all of that?

what happens when the hurt is over and you're ready to move on?

you can't possibly just not care anymore, can you?

.

there are two main philosophies when it comes to this:

one- you'll always be in love with someone once you fall.

two- if you can fall in love, then you can fall out of love.

.

but are either of those true?

nothing is ever that black and white, is it?

there has to be some kind of in-between.

at least for some people.

.

option one just sounds too painful. you can't possibly carry that around for the rest of your life; let it weigh you down like the world is forever on your shoulders. that wouldn't be fair to you or any future person you might be with.

how could you ever fully fall in love after that?

.

what about option two? when you completely fall out of love, do you still care about that person to a certain extent? i know my parents do. they still ask about each other, but they aren't in love anymore.

maybe they're just the exception.

.

at this point, i'm still in love with him. though, hopefully one day i won't be anymore. sure, i'll still care about him, but it won't feel like a throbbing emptiness in my chest.

maybe that's my in-between.

.

but, how will i be able to tell

when nothing makes sense anymore?

jessie is the only one who understands what and why i wrote all over this.

I have to see this movie.

The cast is insane!

Bradley Cooper (!!!!)
Shia LaBeouf (!!)
Natalie Portman
Blake Lively
Rachel Bilson
Hayden Christensen (!!!)
Orlando Bloom (!!)
Justin Bartha (!) (Doug from The Hangover)
Christina Ricci
Ethan Hawke (seriously!)
and about a million other people.

You know I was sold with Bradley Cooper, though (: hahah.
Maybe he won't be an asshole in this one.

<3

I can't handle all of this tension in my house right now.
My stepmonster needs to calm the fuck down and stop bitching about everything.
I was in a perfectly good mood, considering all of this rain, and I got home and she just started going off about something I didn't even do.
I can't handle her bullshit all the time.
And I'm not even a bitch to her!
She yells at everyone and she's just such an angry person.
It's really sad that she's like that, too. I don't know how she can live like that.
I have no idea how I'm going to deal with my dad being gone for two weeks :(



/rant.

"this world is far from ours"

january 13, 2008

it seems that everyone has someone, everywhere i turn.
and it seems as if romance is what their lives consist of.
peter wentz was right; romance is dead.

everyone's desperation not to be alone is leaving me spinning in circles.

it's like we are the select few, unpaired. because no one can match us.
we are the ones who are strong and independent on our own.
we don't need another half because we were never made as two halves;
people have a hard time understanding that.

i am a hypocrite.
i am a liar.
what i say means nothing, because it's not true
and i know it.

you come out a stronger person.
you shouldn't base your life on one person,
there's no reason to rush into relationships.
there is more you should be worrying about,
like how you are going to survive.

i want to survive high school above all else.
and so far, my mission is falling apart at the seams.

it's official now, i've become a failure.
there is something wrong with me, and i don't mean physically.

i wish my pain was physical, it's possible.
dotted lines on my wrists with the instruction saying 'cut here'.
but one: i'm not like that
and two: that's stupid.

i'm not that pathetic, i have a purpose.
i have someone to love and someone loves me.
even if it isn't how i want it to be anymore.

maybe i want to evolve, but i can't because they don't want me.

typical, unrequited love is all i feel.
but i keep telling myself it's not love.
love is dead.

but i can't seem to get my whole heart into anything anymore.
maybe because some of my heart has left with the many hurtful words.
heart filled lies.
i was giving away pieces of myself, but the wrong pieces.

i should have given them a piece of my mind, not a piece of my heart.
or my soul, because i'm starting to regret ever parting with my soul.

and it seems as though, i'm forgetting the things i once knew.
all because i can't seem to be forgetting you.

and i think my life should become a story.
where if i don't like something, i can re-write it,
or better yet- burn the book.

i'm a fake in the most conspicuous ways,
no one would even guess.

honestly, i'm an honest liar.

contradictions are the new sex tapes;
everyone should make one.



this is not me anymore
and i've never been so proud to say that.

"but i miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain.
it's two a.m. and i'm cursing your name
you're so in love that you act insane
and that's the way i loved you
breaking down and coming undone
it's a rollercoaster kind of rush
never knew i could feel that much
and that's the way i loved you"

insanity wolves make my life better.

(but socially awkward penguins are still funnier)

"This is payback for all of the words
That never meant enough to keep me concerned
Every homesick letter that never had the strength
To find your door
This is just enough to keep me concerned
With every hope I had that you would return
And now I've learned that you've become everything
I once hated and still depend on
And if all I can do
Is just sit and wait for you
Then I guess I'll just be waiting till the end"

not so much anymore.

i love this man so much.

Today was such a good day.
To start it off, my dad decided to not wake me up for church. Which means I didn't have to wake up at eight. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind going to church, I just wasn't in the mood at all to wake up early. So, I got up around eleven or so and for once, my back didn't hurt! Let's just say I have the worst mattress ever.
I chilled around the house for two peaceful hours. Jeannine had gone to the Greenville airport to pick up Simone and Bella (who will be living here for the next couple of months, ugh), so it was just daddy and me home. It was the first time I could drink my coffee without her bitching at me for supposedly drinking her cup. I never do that, but whatever.
I got ready and then Abby picked me up and we chilled at my house for a few minutes while I finished my makeup and Abby freaked out over my Michael Phelps posters, hahaha. Then we headed to Camp New Life for Brandon's surprise party.
We surprisingly didn't get lost. Yay us! We were so proud. And we actually got there early, so we helped decorate with Patric, Amanda, and Hannah. Then everyone started getting there and we sociallized until we saw Brandon coming up the driveway. He thought he was going to a birthday party for his mom's best friend's daughter. We hid in the kitchen place and jumped out when he walked in and his face was the best thing ever. He even started crying, it was so great.
The whole party was really fun. I don't know exactly what I expected, but that wasn't it. I mostly hung out with Hannah, Abby, Ann, Bridgette, Patric, and Brandon. But there were other people I talked to, also like Amanda, Brittany Singleton, and Morgan. We played two intense games of twister and just mostly laughed and talked and whatnot. It was so fun. After about two hours, there were only a few of us left and when we finished our last game of twister (which lasted seriously almost twenty minutes) Abby and I decided to leave. And we took Ann with us!
It was only four and none of us had anything we were supposed to be doing, so we drove around aimlessly and then went to Food Lion to see if Josh was working. (*swoons*) He wasn't. But we walked around Food Lion for fifteen or so minutes and made fun of a bunch of stuff. I had never really hung out with Abby or Ann outside of school, but I love them. They are so much fun. Ann is one of the most hilarious people I know. I ended up just buying a pack of gum and the two checkout guys hit on us hardcore. They were so gross, haha. But then my dad called and I had to go home.
Seriously though, I had such a good time today.
I would post pictures, but there on Brandon's mom's camera.
There are some hilarious ones of me and Patric tangled up in each other during twister.

there was an inappropriate picture of kevin jonas here.
i decided i didn't really want people seeing that on my blog, haha.
(even though i find inappropriate things utterly hilarious)

drawn to the ones who never yawn.

"Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line?)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oh you're everything I'm wanting
Come to think of it, I'm aching
On account of my transgression,
Will you welcome this confession?"

why do i still love him? it seems impossible not to love him.
i literally feel torn in two.

Happy Birthday Jonathon Jacob Walker!

(insert picture here, sorry there's not one saved on this computer)

Happy Seventeenth Birthday Nick Jonas!

You are beautiful.

Today has been one of those off days.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't great either. It was more of 'blah'.
It started randomly downpouring during third period and has been raining ever since and I thought it was Thursday until sixth period.

I'm glad we talked things over. I'm just sorry that we couldn't get it to work.
Then again, I don't know why exactly I thought it would work in the first place when you live almost four hours away.
We'll still talk, right? And you'll still call?
You're one of the only people I can seem to talk to right now.

"and away we go
and I hope that you know that one day
we will all be alone
holding on to broken hearts
memories are what's left of us
you're trying too hard to be my friend
and I'm placing all our pictures in these broken frames
to remind me to never fall in love again
I'm sorry wont cut it for the rest of your life
get over yourself and say goodbye
I hope you realize you threw away
the best thing that ever happened to you
forget my name and forget my face
hope you get on a plane and forget this place
so I never have to deal with you again"

this will forever remind me of you.
and that kills me.

who else is pissed about kanye west stealing taylor swift's thunder last night?!

i felt so bad for her!

asshole makes her cry and then she has to go perform five minutes later, ugh.

enjoy the following :)

"I’M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM. I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD’VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE’S IN THE BLEACHERS! …………………… I’M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!…………….. BEYONCE’S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I’M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!! NO DISRESPECT BUT WE WATCHIN’ THE SHOW AT THE CRIB RIGHT NOW CAUSE … WELL YOU KNOW!!!! I’M STILL HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! YOU ARE VERY VERY TALENTED!!! I GAVE MY AWARDS TO OUTKAST WHEN THEY DESERVED IT OVER ME… THAT’S WHAT IT IS!!!!!!! I’M NOT CRAZY YALL, I’M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!! I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR TAYLOR AND I’M SINCERELY SORRY!!! MUCH RESPECT!!!!!"

okay, kanye, what the fuck does half of that even mean?
worst apology ever. for real.

(errrythaang but the beginning and the blurb right above this was stolen from jessie's tumblr!)

poor taylor swift :(

baby joe and kevin :)
hahah! joe's face!

joe's face, again.

this is for jessie, haha!

underoath?!

"he's saying 'come sit on my dick'" -jessie

hahaha, i love nick jonas :)

toddler ryan ross!

how freaking adorable is that?!

oh, my god- i love him :)

hahahahah!

if you only knew how funny either of these are.
(jessie's dad's wife's name is dora!)

nick santino's reaction a text message


nick,
you, me- tonight at my place ;)
(be sure to touch up your roots first)
love,
....jessie's dad

jessie!
this is the picture i was talking about last week.
hahahah, it gets me everytime :)

not anymore :'(

middle school versions of spencer and ryan.

kind of bizarre, yeah?

aw, ryan and spencer :(

it's really sad that they aren't friends anymore;

they had been best friends since they were five (spencer) and six (ryan).

You know that feeling you get when you realize you have absolutely nothing to worry or stress about? That feeling you get when almost every single thing is going perfectly?
It's a weird feeling.
But maybe that's just me.

"Taking everything for granted but we still respect the time
We move along with some new passion knowing everything is fine
And I would wait and watch the hours fall in a hundred separate lines
But I regain repose and wonder how I ended up inside"

*sigh* i love/miss them.

hahahah, this if for jessie :)

(it kind of looks photoshopped, though)

This is my mom. She is the smallest, cutest, most adorable little lady I have ever met (besides my nana, of course) and I love her so much. If you ever see the way I am around her, you would know this right away. My nana likes to tell me stories about my mom when she was my age and how I'm just like her. We're both loud, crazy, ridiculous, Polhill girls- as Nana likes to phrase it. We both sing obnoxiously because we know we wouldn't be able to sing in-tune even if we tried. We always have to take pictures when we go out to eat and she takes me to the Barnes and Noble in Hickory to see Ethan even though she hates the way he makes her coffee. We make fun of each other and laugh until we have tears streaming down our cheeks at things that nobody would ever understand. We get into in-depth conversations about what we would do if she won the lottery and who I'm going to marry when I'm older. I can't count how many times she's tried to teach me how to waltz in the kitchen at my nana's and we've ended up stepping on each other's feet, falling to the ground from laughing so hard. She understands things my dad would never, like getting upset over my hair and she's always a phone call away if I ever need to complain about it. She always listens to what I say and cries when I cry even if she has no idea what I'm upset about. She gives the best advice I've ever heard and always helps me see things more clearly when the world doesn't seem to make sense. She's one of the only people I can be my complete and total self around and she tries to make "that's what she said" jokes even though she doesn't get the concept at all. She's the only person who's absolutely always there for me and I think I might take that for granted sometimes. I love her so much and I have no idea what I would do without her in my life. And even though I don't see her that often, that will never change.

good morning, sisky and bilvy- i love you :)