"I have been running around with all sorts of negativity threatening to come spilling out of my mouth. I am having fake "in the car" conversations with people that will never happen. I am fighting the urge to call people out on their yuck. I hate this feeling. It happens to everyone though sometimes."

-Keltie Colleen

hahahah :)

"The poets are just kids who didn't make it

And never had it at all

And the record won't stop skipping

And the lies just won't stop slipping

And besides my reputation's on the line

We can fake it for the airwaves

Force our smiles, baby, half dead

From comparing myself to everyone else around me

Please put the doctor on the phone 'cause I'm not making any sense

Blame everyone but me for this mess

And my back has been breaking from this heavy heart

We never seemed so far

I'm hopelessly hopeful, you're just hopeless enough

But we never had it at all"

You know those kind of people that you have to walk on eggshells around because in a split-second you can piss them off? The people who are fine sometimes and will get excited about things with you and laugh at stupid stuff with you, but then you see them the next day and they ignore you for an unknown reason. The people who will act like your friend and then talk mad shit about you behind their back to anybody they see. The complete assholes (or bitches) that say they hate two-faced people, but are actually just like that. You know those kind of people?

They royally piss me off.

I would vent, but it would do no good. Those kind of people would never read this, or take it seriously anyway.

Occupied myself by watching A Knight's Tale while I was snowed in today. I'll probably watch Casanova next.

I love Heath Ledger movies way more than I should.

Yeah he's a looker,
but I really think it's guts that matter most.
I displayed them for you,
strewn out about from coast to coast.

I am easily make believe,
just dress me up in what you want me to be.
I'll take back what I've been saying for quite some time now.

I gotta feel you in my bones again,
I'm all over you.
I'm not over you.
I wanna taste you one more time again,
I'm all over you.
I'm not over you.

In my daydreams, in my sleep,
infatuation turning into disease.
You could cure me, see all you have to do now
is please try.
Give it your best shot and try.
All I'm asking for is love,
but you never seem to have enough.

I gotta feel you in my bones again,
I'm all over you.
I'm not over you.
I wanna taste you one more time again,
I'm all over you.
I'm not over you.
This life is way too short
to get caught up in all this stuff
when I just want you to love me back,
why can't you just love me back?

an email doesn't change anything.

why can't you get that?

hahahahah, i was trying to type something on google and this came up.

literally cried, oh my god.

around six p.m.- notice how you can't see the road, and only an hour after it started snowing.

crazy!

love

It's only been snowing for a little under thirty minutes and the ground is already covered with almost two inches of snow. Do you know how ridiculous that is? It looks like a blizzard outside.

This snow is going to be far worse then that bad snow we had right before Christmas. Then, we had almost two feet of snow, lost power for almost a whole day, were snowed in for four days, and were out of school for a collective seven days, I think.

But this snow is going to be absolutely crazy. It's been said that this storm will make the last big one "look like a dusting" and that freaks me out. I don't want to be stuck here for a week with Jeannine and Andrew. Seriously. I will walk to Caley and Jared's if I have to just to get out of the house. Or even hang out with freaking Taylor.

We already lost satellite, but I just really hope we don't lose power.

12/28/08

Your tongue is like a
calendar
script
of overused lines and generic phrases,
spread for reward.
Not the truth,
which I was never worthy of.
You could never hold me tight enough,
because you knew what would happen if you let go.
Our wired bodies were always connected by
one
single bolt, but I can only handle so much.
Which you expected more of.
Let's be realistic;

we're

all

the

same

simply in the fact that we're all trying to be different.
So stop the charades,
our time is up,
and on that eastern shore,
the sun is setting in the Chesapeake.

There's a difference between thinking you're in love with someone and actually being in love with someone.

An enormous difference.

And, for some reason, I feel like the former ends up becoming way more obsessive than the latter.

It's like the person builds this story up in there head, convincing themselves that they had this extravagant relationship full of love and heartbreak, when in reality, you never even dated, the other person probably has no feelings toward you whatsoever, and you know- probably never even really had a conversation.

It just really pisses me off to see girls crying and trying to earn the sympathy card because they're "so depressed" when they one- have never been in love and two- probably have no idea what it's like to be depressed.

So, for once, shut your mouth and stop trying to get attention.

I'm not going to ask you if anything is wrong if you're just going to feed me bullshit.

I aim to be in your eyes trophy boys, trophy wives

pictures from yesterday :)

This was seriously one of the best birthdays I've ever had :)

My dad was coming back to town on Thursday, so me and Jeannine picked him up at the airport and then we all went to eat at Carrabba's. It ended up being my birthday dinner. I had never been there before, but oh, my gosh, it was so good! Some of the best italian food I've ever eaten.

Friday, my actual birthday, I brought cupcakes to school for everyone in my chemistry class and when I got to class, there was a container of cupcakes that Jesse and Catherine had made for me. Then, in second period Tori Oslund brought in thirty cupcakes! Serious cupcake overload. But anyway, by the end of the day I was just left with the ones Jesse and Catherine gave me, due to giving away all the other ones. I got sang to in every single class, too, except for seventh period because my mom checked me out. My mom, Aunt Jenni, Jessie, and I all went to Panacea and I opened up presents and whatnot. We went to Mast for a little while, then looked at prom dresses at this store by the movies before Jessie had to leave. Then, I hung out with my mom and aunt for a little while before they had to go back to Lincolnton. When I got home, Catherine texted me, begging me to go to Joey's party with her. Joey and I have the same birthday and he was having a birthday party. It was originally a joint party, but I thought I wasn't going to be able to go. My dad finally said I could go, though, and I'm really glad he did. It was so much fun and there were so many people there. Joey's mom was so sweet, too, and wrote my name on the cake after I showed up. I met a few new people, which was awesome, and I ended up beating everyone at Mario Kart.

On Saturday, we had a birthday lunch at the house; it was so delicious. Then, Jessie and Brooke picked me up and we went to the mall. I bought a super cute dress for the dance and a few other shirts. Then we went back to Jessie's and got ready before meeting Jesse Evans, Anthony, Katie Makepeace, Laura, and Dale at Guayabitos. After we ate, we went to the dance and it was super fun. Way more fun that I expected it would be, anyway. I even got a National Honor Society hour for help cleaning up afterwards.

And now it's Sunday and I'm so tired from everything (mostly all the intense dancing I did last night, though.) Daddy just left to go back to Pasadena. He'll probably be gone for another three weeks. It pretty much sucks. But as for now, I guess I'll go do all the homework I've been putting off.

Oh, come on, you know you laughed.

I literally had tears streaming down my face.

SEVENTEENTH BIRTHDAY TOMORROW! :D

And because I can't swim, I hold my breath and let myself sink, waiting for your flood waters to recede.

They'll leave a trail of debris in their wake (you always do), but I don't care anymore. I just want to breathe again.

"Slow down, lie down,

Remember it's just you and me.

Don't sell out, bow out,

Remember how this used to be.

Grant my last request and just let me hold you.

Don't shrug your shoulders,

Lay down beside me.

Sure, I can accept that we're going nowhere,

But one last time let's go there.

Lay down beside me.

Oh, I've found that I'm bound

To wander down that one-way road.

And I realize about all your lies,

But I'm no wiser than the fool I was before"

Oh, Paolo Nutini, I think I love you.

Your voice makes my heart melt.

Today was the last day of Winter Retreat.

Winter Retreat is this thing my church does every year, where we go to Camp Cedar Cliff (formerly the Cove) in Asheville and stay for three days. I've been going since seventh grade, so this was my fifth year going. All it had ever been for me was just fun. And I think that was the problem. The thing is, it's a church retreat; it's supposed to be about God. But I had never taken it seriously. I would literally sit in the sessions bored, or miserable in small groups, and count down the seconds until free time. Then free time would consist of archery, the zipline, shooting BB guns, the high ropes course, or a bunch of other stuff. The point for me was that it was a weekend I could spend time and hang out with my friends. I was completely missing the point completely.

I'm not sure if it was a conscience thing or not, but I changed.

This year, I actually participated. The usual shy, uninterested girl I portrayed to the people in my church, wasn't me anymore. I talked in small groups- I was a main person in the skit! That's a big deal for me. I was enthusiastic about the stupid little games that we play at the beginning of every session. I almost won the dang rock, paper, scissors competition! I even paid attention to the sermons and didn't care how stupid I looked singing and dancing during worship. And, drum roll please, I was in the talent show. I completely stepped out of my comfort zone, willingly, for the first time in my entire life.

And, according to a really amazing sermon Mary Wood (Brown) gave, that's what God wants us to do.

Something about the sermons struck a chord with me. I don't know what it was, but for the first time I actually solidly believe that God, Jesus, and all of that stuff is real. Don't get me wrong, I've always believed in a higher being, but I've always gone back and forth- wrestled, if you will- with the actual belief in Christianity. I know this is making me sound like a lame church freak, but you know what? I don't care. For a couple of months now, I've been really trying to have a stronger faith and I think this just reinforced everything. And that's exactly what I needed.

And because I've been trying so hard, I think there are some things that need to be changed about myself:

• No more "god damn" or "jesus christ", seriously. I never used to say that and it really bothers me that I do.
• I'm going to start going back to youth. I've been putting it off for so long, but now it's time.
• I'm going to start going back to church. No more excuses! If daddy isn't in town, I can always find a ride. And if daddy is in town, he can freaking drive me.
• Cut back on the perverted comments. For real, this just makes me feel immature sometimes. And I just do it way too often.

That's all for now, but I'll add more as time goes on. Focusing on a few at a time will be easier.

I'm glad this is finally coming together.

Winter Retreat tomorrow! :D

hey moon, don't you go down

oh, my lord- laughed so hard that tears were streaming down my face.

"...yeah, with my guitar solos everyday!"

hahaha :)

Sometimes I wish I didn't take things so seriously.

It makes me feel like I can only have fun to a certain extent,

you know?

Like, I get really tense about doing dangerous things and most of the time only barely dangerous things. It really pisses me off, because I try- I really try- to not worry so much, and to not be so cautious, but it just never works.

And it effects me to the point where I won't hang out with certain people sometimes.

I don't really know why I'm not just a normal teenager. If I was, I would be carefree and this wouldn't be such a problem.

mleheheheh :)

This has been neglected for too long and for that I give my utmost of apologies. I was grounded from pretty much everything, including the computer, and then the holidays happened.
Anyway, I'm back :)

Nothing terribly eventful has happened except for the blizzard and all of the tiny snow storms that have followed. I haven't had a full day of school since we've been back from break. It's insane. The first storm was monstrous- I'm talking almost three feet of snow at my house. We were stuck for almost three days because of horrible roads and inadequate snow plows. I haven't had satellite since the twenty-second of December (I might be a few days off) so I've been stuck watching hulu on the computer and dvd box sets of The OC. It's not too bad.

I had kind of a blow out with one of my old friends tonight. I confronted her about her compulsive lying and yet, she continues to deny it all. I talked to her for almost two hours about it and nothing was accomplished. She just won't give it up, even after I gave her ample opportunity to confess to everything. She just really pisses me off. And if she would just admit to everything, I'd be fine. But nooooo, she has to be fucking retarded. UGH!

That's all, I guess. I just had to vent for a minute.
I'm tired and I should probably read in the Great Gatsby or Mrs. Brookshire will kill me.