pictures from yesterday :)

This was seriously one of the best birthdays I've ever had :)

My dad was coming back to town on Thursday, so me and Jeannine picked him up at the airport and then we all went to eat at Carrabba's. It ended up being my birthday dinner. I had never been there before, but oh, my gosh, it was so good! Some of the best italian food I've ever eaten.

Friday, my actual birthday, I brought cupcakes to school for everyone in my chemistry class and when I got to class, there was a container of cupcakes that Jesse and Catherine had made for me. Then, in second period Tori Oslund brought in thirty cupcakes! Serious cupcake overload. But anyway, by the end of the day I was just left with the ones Jesse and Catherine gave me, due to giving away all the other ones. I got sang to in every single class, too, except for seventh period because my mom checked me out. My mom, Aunt Jenni, Jessie, and I all went to Panacea and I opened up presents and whatnot. We went to Mast for a little while, then looked at prom dresses at this store by the movies before Jessie had to leave. Then, I hung out with my mom and aunt for a little while before they had to go back to Lincolnton. When I got home, Catherine texted me, begging me to go to Joey's party with her. Joey and I have the same birthday and he was having a birthday party. It was originally a joint party, but I thought I wasn't going to be able to go. My dad finally said I could go, though, and I'm really glad he did. It was so much fun and there were so many people there. Joey's mom was so sweet, too, and wrote my name on the cake after I showed up. I met a few new people, which was awesome, and I ended up beating everyone at Mario Kart.

On Saturday, we had a birthday lunch at the house; it was so delicious. Then, Jessie and Brooke picked me up and we went to the mall. I bought a super cute dress for the dance and a few other shirts. Then we went back to Jessie's and got ready before meeting Jesse Evans, Anthony, Katie Makepeace, Laura, and Dale at Guayabitos. After we ate, we went to the dance and it was super fun. Way more fun that I expected it would be, anyway. I even got a National Honor Society hour for help cleaning up afterwards.

And now it's Sunday and I'm so tired from everything (mostly all the intense dancing I did last night, though.) Daddy just left to go back to Pasadena. He'll probably be gone for another three weeks. It pretty much sucks. But as for now, I guess I'll go do all the homework I've been putting off.

Oh, come on, you know you laughed.

I literally had tears streaming down my face.

SEVENTEENTH BIRTHDAY TOMORROW! :D

And because I can't swim, I hold my breath and let myself sink, waiting for your flood waters to recede.

They'll leave a trail of debris in their wake (you always do), but I don't care anymore. I just want to breathe again.

"Slow down, lie down,

Remember it's just you and me.

Don't sell out, bow out,

Remember how this used to be.

Grant my last request and just let me hold you.

Don't shrug your shoulders,

Lay down beside me.

Sure, I can accept that we're going nowhere,

But one last time let's go there.

Lay down beside me.

Oh, I've found that I'm bound

To wander down that one-way road.

And I realize about all your lies,

But I'm no wiser than the fool I was before"

Oh, Paolo Nutini, I think I love you.

Your voice makes my heart melt.

Today was the last day of Winter Retreat.

Winter Retreat is this thing my church does every year, where we go to Camp Cedar Cliff (formerly the Cove) in Asheville and stay for three days. I've been going since seventh grade, so this was my fifth year going. All it had ever been for me was just fun. And I think that was the problem. The thing is, it's a church retreat; it's supposed to be about God. But I had never taken it seriously. I would literally sit in the sessions bored, or miserable in small groups, and count down the seconds until free time. Then free time would consist of archery, the zipline, shooting BB guns, the high ropes course, or a bunch of other stuff. The point for me was that it was a weekend I could spend time and hang out with my friends. I was completely missing the point completely.

I'm not sure if it was a conscience thing or not, but I changed.

This year, I actually participated. The usual shy, uninterested girl I portrayed to the people in my church, wasn't me anymore. I talked in small groups- I was a main person in the skit! That's a big deal for me. I was enthusiastic about the stupid little games that we play at the beginning of every session. I almost won the dang rock, paper, scissors competition! I even paid attention to the sermons and didn't care how stupid I looked singing and dancing during worship. And, drum roll please, I was in the talent show. I completely stepped out of my comfort zone, willingly, for the first time in my entire life.

And, according to a really amazing sermon Mary Wood (Brown) gave, that's what God wants us to do.

Something about the sermons struck a chord with me. I don't know what it was, but for the first time I actually solidly believe that God, Jesus, and all of that stuff is real. Don't get me wrong, I've always believed in a higher being, but I've always gone back and forth- wrestled, if you will- with the actual belief in Christianity. I know this is making me sound like a lame church freak, but you know what? I don't care. For a couple of months now, I've been really trying to have a stronger faith and I think this just reinforced everything. And that's exactly what I needed.

And because I've been trying so hard, I think there are some things that need to be changed about myself:

• No more "god damn" or "jesus christ", seriously. I never used to say that and it really bothers me that I do.
• I'm going to start going back to youth. I've been putting it off for so long, but now it's time.
• I'm going to start going back to church. No more excuses! If daddy isn't in town, I can always find a ride. And if daddy is in town, he can freaking drive me.
• Cut back on the perverted comments. For real, this just makes me feel immature sometimes. And I just do it way too often.

That's all for now, but I'll add more as time goes on. Focusing on a few at a time will be easier.

I'm glad this is finally coming together.

Winter Retreat tomorrow! :D

hey moon, don't you go down

oh, my lord- laughed so hard that tears were streaming down my face.

"...yeah, with my guitar solos everyday!"

hahaha :)

Sometimes I wish I didn't take things so seriously.

It makes me feel like I can only have fun to a certain extent,

you know?

Like, I get really tense about doing dangerous things and most of the time only barely dangerous things. It really pisses me off, because I try- I really try- to not worry so much, and to not be so cautious, but it just never works.

And it effects me to the point where I won't hang out with certain people sometimes.

I don't really know why I'm not just a normal teenager. If I was, I would be carefree and this wouldn't be such a problem.

mleheheheh :)

This has been neglected for too long and for that I give my utmost of apologies. I was grounded from pretty much everything, including the computer, and then the holidays happened.
Anyway, I'm back :)

Nothing terribly eventful has happened except for the blizzard and all of the tiny snow storms that have followed. I haven't had a full day of school since we've been back from break. It's insane. The first storm was monstrous- I'm talking almost three feet of snow at my house. We were stuck for almost three days because of horrible roads and inadequate snow plows. I haven't had satellite since the twenty-second of December (I might be a few days off) so I've been stuck watching hulu on the computer and dvd box sets of The OC. It's not too bad.

I had kind of a blow out with one of my old friends tonight. I confronted her about her compulsive lying and yet, she continues to deny it all. I talked to her for almost two hours about it and nothing was accomplished. She just won't give it up, even after I gave her ample opportunity to confess to everything. She just really pisses me off. And if she would just admit to everything, I'd be fine. But nooooo, she has to be fucking retarded. UGH!

That's all, I guess. I just had to vent for a minute.
I'm tired and I should probably read in the Great Gatsby or Mrs. Brookshire will kill me.

"You look at me, now, like this and think, '
This is who they are were all along.'
But this is just who I am to other people.
And you became other people."

saw this, got super excited.

fangirled for about 2.5 seconds, haha :)

I have lost all inspiration.
And in the midst of my favorite time of year, even. How is that possible? I, of course, am completely out of answers for that. But still, it seems that I can't write anymore. And it's the strangest thing because I've never had a block like this before. It's not just sitting down and writing down complete shit that doesn't even sound good, it's sitting down and not being able to pen a single word.
Naturally, all of these unfortunate circumstances always happen at the most inconvenient times. I have a seven-page paper on the effects Vietnam had on America due on the fifteenth (eleven days!) and I can't even start it. I was in the middle of the second chapter of the book I'm doing for a novel contest and I can't even progress the plot to the central conflict.
I've never been this frustrated with my writing before and I have no idea how to fix this.
UGH.

• There are 33 million people living with HIV globally. 22 million of these people live in Africa.
• There are an estimated 2.1 million children living with HIV globally, 90% of these are in Africa.
• 12.1 million children in Africa have been orphaned because of AIDS.

90 people get the swine flu and everyone wears a mask,
millions of people get HIV/AIDS and nobody wears a condom.

Don't be stupid.

This is pretty much what it feels like to be in Lincolnton for me.
I love it :)

Padre and Me; it was so hot in there!
My face was so red.
Jessie and Me :)
Jessie and TURNER! :)
Emilie and Jessie :)
Jessie, Wesley, Blake, and Derek :)
Madre :)

11/17/08

It's funny when you lose a relationship.
All those things you overlooked come back to drive you crazy.
Whatever pardons or annoyances you had with someone,
they just rush back and you want to spend all night screaming it at them but, on the other hand, you say they aren't worth it.
Yeah, well, you aren't worth it, but I'm going to anyway.
The last words won't matter when the whole time you wanted them spilling down someone else's lips.
I'm not stupid, just selectively blind.
It's weird to think you're over something
and then some kind of blow comes back
and, for some reason, it really hits you hard.
It's over, but the fact that you weren't the one they wanted in the first place still stings.
There are sometimes I want to hear you say it's not true.
There are sometimes I want to burn this bridge from both sides with you in the middle.
Sometimes I'm on top of the world,
and the next minute I'm down quicker than her back against your mattress.
But I'm not choking on words you should have eaten.
I've got hands to hold and friends to fall on.
I've got more than you could ever hope for.
Just remember when you're sweating and shaking
and it's cold and hot at the same time
and you're tossing and turning with those bruises and itches
and you can't sleep,
I'm that fever you can't sweat out.

I want to watch this so badly!

And, you know, Christmas just needs to hurry up and get here already.

I'm tired of waiting.

transcendentalsm = <3

This is me apologizing for past, and any future use of gratuitous profanity.
It usually isn't the case, but, you know, f-bombs have been dropped here and there.
I'm just sayin'.

1/5/09

Tired kid's hopes and dreams
and worries
are played out on afternoon sessions
with guitar strings and soft picks;
there are only four chords,
but there's a story
that's waiting to be sung.

I'm tired of waiting,
I'm tired of dreaming.
I'm tired of sitting up at four in the morning,
wondering if tonight I'll finally get sleep.
I'm tired of wanting,
and thinking,
and shrinking,
and shrinking,
and shrinking.
You saved me- what can I say?
It's obvious.
But what now?
My feet are on the ground,
but my lungs are still in the ocean.
I want to get them back, but you won't let me.
How am I supposed to breathe?
I can't rely on you for forever.
I can't wait for them to wash up with the tide.
I can't wait for you to wash up with the tide.
I can't wait for you to wash up,
rinse off,
and sail away again.

I'm tired of writing sad songs.
I'm tired of being unaware that you're gone.
My lungs will never catch up with my heart.

Oh, Bob Dylan.
You're not that terrible.

dear blogspot,
why can't i post pictures or paste text?!
please fix this before i get angry.

xo

"Pocahontas, I'd rather die tomorrow than live a hundred years without knowing you."
-John Smith

haha, those damn cups.

just got back from jesse's house; i stayed there for four days.

so much fun, oh my god.

i love staying at her house. our friendship is so weird, but i love it. she's the only one of my friends i can be one-hundred percent myself around and we don't really ever get on each other's nerves. that's because we can be up-front with each other and tell the other one when to shut the hell up and to stop being bitchy.

anyway, i love her (:

catherine, me, and caley at the football game on friday (:
we sat in front of the cheerleaders and made fun of them all night, haha.
i love them.
our football team actually did well, though. it was our first playoff game and we beat a really good team. i never go to games, though. jesse dragged me.
we froze our asses off and everyone kept having to sit on each others laps because the student section was so full.
it turned out to be really fun.

7/6/09

Maybe you'll wake up one day,
Regret the fact that you didn't stay
Or do the things you swore you would
and realize leaving never did any good.
Maybe you'll think of me and the love
(I thought) we shared
Or remember how you never cared
Enough to hear what I had to say
Before you went and ran away.
Maybe you'll get the nerve to make the call
You never made, but you'll still stall
And convince yourself to put down the phone
But stare at it for hours, home alone.
Maybe you'll wonder if I still feel the same,
Wonder why I never came
To see you when you were back in town
For Christmas, even though you never came around.
Maybe you'll come home for good,
Finally do all the things you said you would,
With your heart filled with love, knock on my door
Only to find I'm not waiting anymore.

but things are never that simple.

I am the most nostalgic person I know.
That is, of course, besides my cousin Devan.

Devan is pretty much my best friend. He is one of three people who know absolutely everything about me and he's the least judgemental person I know. He always makes me laugh and has been through a lot of the same stuff I have, so he always seems to understand. And I love that about him.

I talked to Devan on the phone today for almost two hours. The majority of that time was spent talking about the way things used to be. We have this generic term- "the good days"- that we refer to when we talk about when we were little. "The good days" means the days before all the aunts on my mom's side of the family (my mom, Aunt Jenni, and Aunt Robin) got divorced. Whenever this comes up in conversation, we automatically know exactly what the other person is talking about: hammocks, Grease, barbies, tea parties, christmas, biscuits, bikes, crushed ice, rolling down the stairs, slapping Emily in the back, walking up town, monopoly, charlie horses, and tarbaby. If anyone other that the cousins on that side of the family heard these things, they would have no idea what hell we were talking about. But that's just it, no one else would ever understand because they weren't there.

Nostalgia is a funny concept. You can spend hours on the phone with your gay cousin talking about how amazing things were when you were eight years old and it makes you happy. But then, the conversation is over and real life sets in and you're not happy anymore; all you want to do is sit in your room and cry about how things aren't the same anymore- how they're never going to be same anymore.

My mom likes to tell me about what I was like when I was little. She says I was a happy, giggly, girl who always claimed to see angels in my room. I always tell her that I was probably lying about the angels, but she swears up and down that I wasn't lying and that children are more perceptive to things like that. I'm still happy for the most part and I laugh all the time, but I don't see angels anymore.

None of this is exactly relevant, but I've just been thinking about things lately.
I just can't seem to accept the fact that when things change,
they'll never be the same again.

because that's all I ever really wanted.

you're so hyptnotizing;
you've got me laughing while i sing,
you've got me smiling in my sleep.
and i can see this unraveling
-you're love is where i'm falling-
so, please, don't catch me.

Pictures from The White Tie Affair Talent show

Halloween!- Columbia, South Carolina

Dave from Every Avenue

Ryan from Runner Runner
"Stay sweet"
He was kind of awkward, haha.

Josh! from Every Avenue :D

Matt from Every Avenue

Jimmie from Every Avenue

Peter from Runner Runner :)
he was so adorable!

Stereo Skyline minus Brian

Chris and Tim from The White Tie Affair, hahaha :)
"This is an extension of my...hand"

Dennis from Every Avenue

Jon from Runner Runner :)

Nick from Runner Runner

Brian from Stereo Skyline

Sean from The White Tie Affair, hahahah.
"We're taking this picture my way!"

Ryan from The White Tie Affair

Jessie's dad made us pose with all of our merch, haha :)

After, in the McDonald's bathroom :)
I love Katie Makepeace for holding that up, hahah.